


Hogwarts Houses are Dumb

by Hunny4



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, John and Dave are dorks, Not a Crossover, Pesterlog, Swearing, oh god this is crack isn't it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-03
Updated: 2015-07-03
Packaged: 2018-04-07 09:51:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4258848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hunny4/pseuds/Hunny4
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave goes on a rant about Hogwarts houses and online personality quizzes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hogwarts Houses are Dumb

**Author's Note:**

> An exercise in characterizing these two, mostly Dave. Based on an actual conversation between me and my sister.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

TG: john

TG: john

TG: i know youre there john

TG: cmon my brain is seriously scrambled right now

TG: seriously

TG: if there was a brain-scrambling device

TG: used by dr fucking jekyll or some shit

TG: wait jekyll was the good guy

TG: so mr hyde then

TG: ugghhh its fuckin 6 in the morning i cant pull out my best material

TG: but anyway

TG: john

TG: my brain is melting

TG: do you really want to sentence your best bro to the fate of the wicked witch huh

TG: except with brains

TG: is that what you want egbert

EB: oh my god dave

EB: did you forget about the fucking time difference???

EB: its four in the morning here

EB: i was ASLEEP!

TG: well too bad mr strider has a problem

TG: and the only solution is pestering his friends at shitface o’clock

TG: get with the fucking program

EB: ugh fine

EB: well, i’m not asleep anymore!

EB: what was SOOO important that mr coolguy dave strider had to wake me up at this ungodly hour rather than just wait, i dunno, until the sun comes up??

TG: hogwarts houses

EB: …

EB: what

TG: that’s right, hogwarts houses

EB: ...you know, most of the time i don’t really get what you rant about, but this is especially out there!

EB: i mean… hogwarts houses??? really??

EB: what about them?

TG: no man you dont understand

TG: so im scrolling through rumblr, right?

EB: you have a rumblr?

TG: what kind of a question is that

TG: a rumblr is one of the most ironic things a cool guy like me can have

EB: riiiiiight.....

TG: but anyway, i see this post right

TG: ‘protect slytherins at all costs!!!1!11!’

TG: and people are responding to it like

TG: ‘im a slytherin and theres nothing wrong with it’

TG: or some other bs

TG: like

TG: the fuck?

TG: uh sorry to burst your bubble ladies and gents

TG: but youre not actually a slytherin

TG: slytherin is a fake house from a fake school from a shitty book series

TG: you cannot be a slytherin, because it is a thing that doesnt actually EXIST

EB: its 4 in the morning

EB: its 4 in the goddamn morning

EB: this couldn’t wait????!

TG: fuck you this shit is of utmost fucking importance

TG: this shit is seriously urgent

EB: there is no sun

EB: dad is sleeping

EB: everyone is sleeping

EB: i should be sleeping

EB: but i’m not,

EB: because DAVE STRIDER is angry at a post he found on rumblr!

EB: …

EB: ...go on

TG: ok so

TG: this is makin me think, right?

TG: people take these dumbass online personality quizzes

TG: probably with questions like “what is your favorite color” and “would you bang your mom”

TG: or something like that

EB: ewww! dave, gross!

TG: lies im classy as fuck

TG: so anyway

TG: it says to them ‘holy shit! if you were a fictional character attending this fictional school from this fictional universe, you would be a fucking slytherin’

TG: ‘congratuFUCKINGlations’

TG: and then this person is so fucking impressed with themselves

TG: ‘this is me’

TG: ‘this result i got from a dumb online personality quiz’

TG: ‘completely represents me as a person’

TG: and then theyre like

TG: ‘i need to share this part of myself with the world man’

TG: so they go on their goddamn rumblr blog

TG: their NON-IRONIC rumblr blog

TG: which is pretty goddamn fucked up on its own by the way

TG: and they say

TG: ‘im sadie and im like 9 or something from thisisdumb, california and im a fuckin slytherin!!!’

TG: okay good for you sadie i guess

TG: but seriously

TG: what does that even mean?

TG: what does that information tell you about sadie from thisisdumb california?

TG: nothing

TG: except that she took an online personality quiz

TG: and got really fucking self-righteous about it

TG: so dumb, man

TG: so dumb

EB: ...dude, don’t you think you’re getting a bit too worked up over this?

EB: i mean, it’s just a personality quiz.

EB: it’s for fun!

EB: what did sadie ever do to you?

TG: i am just the right amount of worked up over this

TG: im like goldilocks up in this bitch

TG: and lil miss sadie over here? isnt just sadie

TG: shes the internet

TG: great fuckin plot twist, amiright?

TG: shes the part of the internet that involves people flocking together over pointless shit

TG: like hogwarts houses

TG: and treats it like its the most important thing since sliced bread

TG: like identity wonderbread

TG: its just as disgusting

TG: hogwarts houses are dumb man

EB: …

EB: you’re sleep deprived right now aren’t you?

TG: what

TG: no

TG: what gave you that idea

EB: well sorry

EB: but i’m going back to sleep.

TG: wait no

TG: there is more to say about this topic

EB: i’ll talk to you in the morning when i can actually see your text without it blurring and going double on me.

EB: bye dave.

TG: no come back

TG: ill stop getting hot and bothered over it okay

TG: strider promise

TG: its like a pinky promise but 1000x more sincere

TG: we can talk it out

TG: just dont

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TG: bail on me dude

TG: fuck

TG: ...asshole


End file.
